HOLY MOLY

My feelings burn like the leaves of a fire tree.

As we drive by the road its intensity captures me.

Warm like the sun its colors did show,

Bright orange and red with its effervescent glow

It could not hide its undeniable passion.

Shying away would be a lack of reason.

From the car window I stare filled with envy,

How I could not express my feelings like the fire tree.

——————-

Wrote this when we passed by a really nice fire tree when we were on the road to Batangas. :)

And in the dark she thinks she’s safe

but the monsters never stop once they chase.

They crawl under your bed when you least expect

they’ll render you sleepless, your mind they’ll defect.

They won’t let you escape for they have grown fond

of stealing your innocence, it’s a permanent bond.

You won’t have a choice because you can’t erase

the images that appear in your mind’s empty space.

You may think you’re hallucinating but you are a fool

to hope that reality would be less than cruel.

You can wait for the sun but once again it will set

You’re back in the darkness, they won’t let you forget.

I write in silence and in uncertainty

about the things I know and what could be.

I fathom the outcome of every situation,

hoping it would give me some sort of resolution

I pray for silence in a screaming room

just to clear my head from all this gloom.

My eyes look far but the answer is near

if only I could rid myself of all this fear.

It seems as if the blood has been drained,

the life has been sucked from my every vein.

I then find the knife within your hands.

I was a victim to your every demand.

But with every ounce of blood you took from me,

surged my body rage and ectasy.

For every moment that seemed too fast,

was me hoping it would last.

I think I lost my spontaneity when that happened. I became more cautious and more wary of my actions. I guess it’s a good change but sometimes I miss my old self. I used to do things on impulse and go with the flow of events. Now, I’d rather plan out what I do so that everything’s under my control. I used to love taking risks now I’d rather play it safe. I’m afraid to trust people and I can’t even trust myself. I’m just hoping it’s a phase that’ll pass by quickly cause I could sure use the thrill I constantly craved for and not this monotonous life I’ve entered myself into. 

For some reason my problem set me free. I guess it is true that you learn from your mistakes. There is no solution to my dilemma but the fact that I accepted it helped me realize more things. Apart from God, you’re the only one who can define yourself. I am blessed in so many ways and smarter than what I give myself credit for. Thank you Lord for helping me see this :)

I have a secret I can’t tell anyone. It’s not because I’m not allowed to but because I just don’t want to. I haven’t told a single soul. The thought’s running in my mind but I wish it would stop. Sometimes I wake up in the morning wishing that I had only imagined it. It kills me that I can’t tell anyone. I feel like my secret will only be safe with someone if they die after hearing it. I want to talk to a therapist but I’m afraid they’d tell my parents. I want to talk to a priest but I’m afraid he might tell authorities. I don’t know who to talk to it’s driving me insane. I keep breathing heavily and I hate talking about it with such vagueness but that’s the most I could reveal. For some reason the only place I can let my thoughts out is here — where people don’t give a shit about long textual posts unless you’re some celebrity. I’m dying to talk about it but I’d die if I talked about it (of course not literally die). I feel trapped in every way fathomable.

You always have an option to be a better person. Yes, temptations are all around us but we also have our conscience. I don’t only speak for others when I say this but also for myself. Today I want to make a few changes in my life that I probably promised myself several times already. The number of times I’ve broken that promise devastates me and I just want to stick to my word. I owe it to myself to do a life check and to do what I believe in. Hypocrisy will definitely not be tolerated!

Cheers to a new me hihi

I’m just writing this as it comes out of my head so anyway here it goes. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors or fragments!!

Savour the moment, for it may be gone before you even realize. Most people believe in forever but the fact that some moments are finite make them more beautiful. For instance, doing something life threatening wouldn’t be the least bit exhilarating if there was an absolute assurance that you wouldn’t die. Fear, death, accidents and everything else that makes life so unpredictable are actually the main reasons why living ceases to be monotonous.

I would often tell my sister that when a time comes that I could actually say that “this has been the best day of my life,” I want her to kill me when I least expect it. This may seem twisted but if you look at it, it’s actually a beautiful way to die. Since I don’t want to go to hell that means I can’t commit suicide, hence asking my sister to murder me. Although that would mean she’s the one who will go to hell. haha!

Dying happily has always been in my prayers. I used to wish that I die when I’m old and wrinkly but now dying young (not super young, like maybe in my 50s - 60s or when my grandchildren are already teenagers) doesn’t look so scary. I also want my death to be interesting. If ever I were to die because of some disease or sickness, please let it be because of a heart attack. If ever someone would murder me, I want to be shot while standing at the edge of a building. I want to feel nothing but falling off and die a few seconds before I hit the ground. So if there’s someone out there who wants to kill me, grant me my wish and please don’t stab me. HAHAHA. Okay, maybe I should stop now. It’s pretty weird that I’m talking about how I want my death to happen.

It’s funny how sometimes you think you changed someone but it turns out they haven’t changed at all. Actually, it isn’t funny. It was all just a pretentious act and I feel nothing but disappointment. I pity you for being the way you are. You might have some sort of mental disorder that causes your brain to function that way but I pity myself more for believing that I might have made a difference. 

HAHAHA okay yuck that sounded emo but strangely appropriate. I can never go wrong with Taylor Swift!